Judge Berg versus Bear-Baiter

This is truly wonderful.

Here's the story: earlier this year an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show featured one David Stainforth as a guest: a security guard whose wife was cheating on him. When her lover Larry Mahoney made his entrance onto the stage, Mr Stainforth leapt out of his seat, ran over, and head-butted him.

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I've often thought of writing a blog-post about Jeremy Kyle and his accursed Show. The only reason I haven't done so before is that I couldn't summon words to express the depth of my contempt and hatred for Mr Kyle, his show, its producers, and everything he is, does, and represents.

If you've never seen the show, then you have my undying envy, and I strongly encourage you never to shatter your blissful ignorance by watching it. The format is the bog-standard talk show à la Jerry Springer, in which crisis-stricken families sit on a stage and discuss their collapsing lives in front of a jeering studio audience. The difference is that instead of the quick-witted and amusing Springer, we have the vile Kyle: a loud-mouthed, aggressive arse-hole of the most revolting and egotistical sort.

In the real-world, family breakdown is a complex matter, and as often as not a matter of "six of one and half a dozen of the other". But where Springer generally remains at least vaguely impartial and lets the (unbelievable) facts speak for themselves, Kyle invariably comes crashing down, like a ton of sanctimonious bricks, on one side or the other, and it's never long before he's screaming - literally - crass moralities at some squirming unfortunate. It really is The Jeremy Kyle Show you see, the guests act as little more than props for the great man.

Here's a sample, randomly picked off youtube. Notice how Kyle is misinformed, how the facts of the case remain contested and entirely unclear till the end, how none of the guests are - to put it kindly - media savvy, or at all able to present their cases or themselves in their best light. But of course none of this stops the noble and upstanding Kyle from playing judge, jury and executioner, and delivering his damning verdict in the most uncompomising tones, whipping up the studio audience into a baying lynch mob as he goes.



It strikes me as distinctly possible that a more conciliatory approach could have led to a better outcome for all concerned. But, of course, that isn't the point of the show at all - it's far more fun to watch Jezza bazooka a few sitting ducks.

Back to the trial of Mr Stainforth. The victim, Mr Mahoney (who had moved in as a lodger with the Stainforths before he started banging Mrs S) suffered a bloody nose, some injured pride and nothing more. Judge Alan Berg said "some people may say that this was justice", fined the defendant £300, made no order for compensation, and said in his judgement:

"The circumstances of this case are exceptional and the provocation involved seems to be paramount. I have had the misfortune, very recently, of watching The Jeremy Kyle Show and I feel bound to make some observations in that regard.

"It seems to me that the whole purpose of The Jeremy Kyle Show is to effect a morbid and depressing display of dysfunctional people who are in some kind of turmoil.

"It is for no more and no less than titillating members of the public who have nothing better to do with their mornings than sit and watch... a human form of bear baiting which goes under the guise of entertainment."

Judge Berg accurately described the show as "trash", and went on:

"It should not surprise anyone that these people, some of whom have limited intellects, become aggressive with each other.

"This type of incident is exactly what the producers want. These self-righteous individuals should be in the dock with you. They pretend there is some kind of virtue in putting out a show like this"

Judge Alan Berg: Tampon Teabag salutes you.

Needless to say, the producers of the the show rejected this faultless characterization of their rancid emission, and instead lied that "The programme provides an opportunity for people to resolve pre-existing disputes and personal issues on neutral territory... We do not recognise the District Judge's description of our programme."

Now it is true that they lay on a bit of mediation and counselling and so on behind the scenes, and no doubt this does is helpful to a few people. But I'm sure Harold Shipman cured a few peope too. My contention is this is nothing more than cynical back-covering, and Mr Kyle and the producers of the show do not in reality give the slightest fuck about the welfare of any of their guests. Their only concern is how much sadistic entertainment value they can wring out of them. And here's some proof.

You know the infuriating way that Chris Tarrant pauses for ages before revealing the answer to a question on Who Wants To be A Millionaire? It's a supposedly suspense-upping technique also used by Davina McCall when she announces who's being flung out of Big Brother 837. Well, Jeremy Kyle uses that very same technique on his show when announcing the results of DNA paternity tests. Here is doing it (fast forward to 9:30):



That's a ten second pause, maybe just under. Again, I haven't made any effort to find the most egregious example, watch a few more shows and you'll probably find longer.

Whatever the back-story is with these folks, this is a major moment in their lives, and anyone with the remotest concern for their best interests (or that of the child) would think it deserved a smidgeon of sensitivity. Remember that this grotesque, trivialising gimmick comes on top of Kyle spending 10 minutes or so goading these people into attacking each other as viciously as he can manage. Watch the 30 seconds before the DNA result (from 9:00), and see if you think it provides good emotional preparation for this family to set about managing the next stage of their lives.

That is not "neutral territory", and it is no way to "resolve" a personal issue. It's the emotional manipulation of vulnerable people for cruel, voyeuristic purposes, and nothing else. It's all the more despicable for being dressed up as something honest, as a genuine attempt to help people.

Jezza, who's apparently on a deal worth £1 million, is the last person in the whole world with any moral authority to lecture others about how to live their lives. He's a more loathsome creature than even the most philandering and drug-addled of his guests: at worst they're only going to fuck up their own lives, and those of anyone unlucky enough to be nearby. But Kyle's entire existence is devoted to the merciless public humiliation of strangers, mostly stupid, weak, or desparate people. No doubt some of them deserve a boot up their arse. But undoubtedly some of them do not. Does Kyle know which are which? Does he care? Does he fuck.

This mercenary, hypocritical exploitation is just utterly fucking hideous from every angle. Well, I've made putridity and appallingness my special study for the last few years, and, as I say, it's beyond my skill to come up with the right words for this swaggering cunt.

[Via Liberal England]